Tuesday, April 1, 2008

A Modest Endorsement

In light of Badassdad's new sponser, Wal-Mart, I feel like I should say a few things to clear the air.

Wal-Mart is great. Look, who else is going to give you prices like that on the things you love? From the gasoline outside to the baby formula stocked in three different sections of the store, you can do just about all the shopping you need to do at Wal-Mart. And it takes a shrewd business mind to keep prices as low as they do.

One way they do it is this: they don't pay the employees much and they have questionable health-care packages. This way, when the employee gets sick, with their lack of money and insurance, they can easily qualify for Medicaid. Medicaid is paid for by our tax dollars, so, in essence, that thirty-seven cents you saved on roll-on came from the American people at large!

We know, trusted readers, that the bottom line is this: they are a business. Businesses exist to make money. Everything is forgiveable in this era of Machiavellian Consumerism as long as it gets the business what it wants. We've seen this time and time again.

In regards to my last post, it's true, bookstores are businesses too. It doesn't really matter if they are willing to sell cheap knock-off books of low quality and questionable content for which a writer wasn't even paid. What matters is that a) they are cheap, b) they make the store money, and c) they give our kids a good dose of what it feels like to be a good consumer. This makes the kids have wants and desires that are not particular to them at all, but are part of the mass market. And as the mass market goes up, up goes our happiness.

Look, McDonalds (which is happily placed in many-a-Wal-Mart) pays their employees the state minimum wage. They're not paying under that! They train the employee--usually coming in unskilled--and get a $6,000 grant from the government to do the training. The average employee spends less than 30 minutes training, then quits the job in 90 days. McDonald's hasn't even paid them $6,000! So they hire a new employee, get the same deal, over and over again. Why should they make working conditions better? They shouldn't! This is a BUSINESS! They want to make MONEY! They give kids a nice dose of lard, salt, and sugar and leave them wanting more. And of course they can keep prices low, they pay their average employee through a government work grant! Genius! Besides, they suport cool school fund-raisers, where if the school all eats there, half the profits go to the school! Wow! I mean, why should the parents give money to the school, when they can just give half of their money to the school? Or, they could keep it all, but whatever.

Besides, who besides Wal-Mart and McD's is going to give these people a job? They are the benevolent overlords of hospitality and community. Theirs is the good will that keeps up running, keeps us happy. So what if they put other companies out of business? They make money, and that's what matters.

So, drop by the Badass Store today and throw down your dollars on a cool T-Shirt. Or, no, you shouldn't. I'm an entrepreneur and don't deserve it. I don't make money well enough to deserve your endorsement.


Jenny said...

Darnit. I hate April Fools Day! (That first sentence had me going.) I wrote about Wal-Mart on my blog a few days ago and have sworn them off pretty much completely. I used to go to McDonald's all the time as a kid, but when I think about Suzi eating a McNugget Happy Meal I just want to puke. I don't think I'm ever going to take her there, ever. Eating at McD's once may not hurt anything, but once you take a kid there she'll spend her entire childhood trying to get back and the early part of her adulthood trying to kick the habit. Hopefully none of her friends' parents will host a birthday party there.

ellen said...

wow, that mcdonalds $6k thing is craziness. ugh.